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How to handle a child’s anxiety about starting primary school?

How to handle a child's anxiety about starting primary school?

Source: Marriage and Family Therapist, Ng Yee Kam

When a child enters first grade and fails to adapt, some may frequently express their longing for their mothers at school and even experience a loss of appetite. Parents are concerned about their child’s anxiety and may continuously tell them, “As long as you do your best, Mom doesn’t care about grades!” But does this approach effectively address the child’s anxiety, or does it backfire?

First of all, parents need to understand that the transition from kindergarten to first grade is a significant change for a child. It truly takes a long time for the child to adapt. In the first-grade stage, the workload increases, rules become stricter, and teachers are more demanding. Children may experience anxiety, leading to various physical symptoms or fear of going to school.

So, how much time does a child need to adapt? It actually varies from person to person. Generally speaking, more introverted or observant children are prone to anxiety, so it may take them a relatively longer time to adapt. Therefore, parents should first understand their child’s personality and temperament, adjust their expectations during this adaptation period, and never compare their child with other children.

Dr. Daniel Siegel, an American psychiatrist, has proposed a very useful method called “Name it to Tame it.” When parents observe emotional fluctuations in their children, they first use their left brain to analyze what might be happening with their child. Parents should use both their left and right brains, empathizing with the child’s feelings and situation, and then verbalize what they perceive the child is feeling. This is the “Name it” step.

For example, you can say to your child, “Are you feeling scared? Are you feeling worried? It seems like you have no appetite. Is there something you’re anxious about?” When we are able to express the child’s emotions, we are actually delineating what the child is experiencing in their right brain very clearly.

For older children, parents can encourage them to express their emotions themselves, and parents can respond to them. This connection between the adult’s and the child’s right brain helps stabilize anxious emotions. We refer to this process as “Connect.” After the connection is established, we can engage in conversation about other topics with the child.

However, parents should remember that when a child expresses their emotions, we must avoid saying things like, “Don’t worry, it’s silly, don’t think about these things,” or “You’re fine as you are, just do your best.” If we respond with our left brain, we cannot alleviate the right brain’s anxiety or bring calmness to the child’s midbrain responsible for emotions.

Lastly, when parents are able to use emotional vocabulary and verbalize what is happening in the child’s mind, it means transforming some of the emotions in the right brain into left brain cognition. This process is called “Redirect.” When we cognitively understand what we are experiencing and feeling, our right brain will find ways to solve the problem, which is referred to as “Problem Solving.”

The sequence mentioned above is crucial when dealing with a child’s anxiety and nervousness. Besides the order, parents also need to have patience. We need to be patient in helping the child understand their emotions so that we can come up with strategies together.

Three years old determines eighty? What influences personality?

Three years old determines eighty? What influences personality?

Written by: Registered educational psychologist, Pang Chi Wah

 

When I arrived at a friend’s birthday party, I saw a group of children milling around, having a good time. In another corner of the living room, several children were engrossed in reading their beloved extracurricular books, completely absorbed in their activity. The distinction between active and quiet children became immediately apparent. Are these traits of being active or quiet innate qualities encoded in our genetic makeup, or are they shaped by the nurturing and parenting methods of our upbringing?

 

Stepping into the nursery room at the hospital, one can witness a variety of behaviors among the infants. Despite their different physical appearances, each baby possesses their own distinctive qualities. Some babies are incredibly active, constantly moving their hands and feet as if riding a bicycle. On the other hand, there are babies who resemble sleeping princesses or princes, spending most of their days in deep slumber, appearing content. These individual characteristics also manifest during feeding time. Some babies are more proactive, eagerly consuming their food, causing concern that they might accidentally choke. Others are quite passive, eating slowly, savoring each bite as if enjoying a gourmet delicacy.

Some children, from birth, dislike sleeping and prefer playing all day long. No matter how hard parents try to put them to sleep, their efforts often prove futile, leaving themselves exhausted. However, there are children who, from ages 0 to 6, already exhibit a preference for quietness. They can happily engage in quiet play for an entire afternoon, finding contentment and tranquility. So, at what point does the disposition of being active or quiet begin to take shape? Undoubtedly, a child’s personality is partly inherited from their parents, but it should not be hastily assumed and fixed too early.

 

Taking various animals in a circus as an example, each possesses unique innate traits. Lions and tigers tend to be fierce, while bears and monkeys also have their wild side. However, through training, their personality traits can be altered, allowing animal trainers to safely perform alongside them. For parents, the focus lies in accepting their child’s active or quiet nature rather than fixating on when this disposition solidifies.

 

Accepting a child’s innate qualities does not mean determining whether they are active or quiet. Parents must maintain an open-minded attitude because, with careful nurturing, children still have room to develop in different directions. However, isn’t this contradictory? On one hand, we should accept a child’s traits, and on the other hand, we should cultivate their interests in various areas. How can we strike a balance? Parents need to navigate this contradiction and find a middle ground that allows for the healthy development of their child’s body and mind.

I still remember watching a documentary about killer whales not long ago. It described how killer whales, despite having their innate nature, also acquire certain characteristics from the local communities they grow up in, making them either more aggressive or more benevolent. In reality, innate personality traits and the influences of culture and environment have an interactive relationship. Parents should avoid giving up on nurturing their child based solely on their natural disposition. By aligning with a child’s innate qualities and providing them with a suitable and stimulating environment, perhaps the notion that “three years old determines eighty” may not hold true after all!

Will getting water in the ears cause Otitis media? Do you need to help children clean their ears?

Will getting water in the ears cause Otitis media? Do you need to help children clean their ears?

Source: Pediatric Specialist, Dr. Lam Ka Yee

In fact, earwax is a normal secretion in the ear canal, and its function is to protect the ear canal and reduce the risk of bacterial infection. Earwax will naturally flow out on its own, so in general, parents do not need to specifically clean the earwax inside their children’s ear canals. Unless the earwax has flowed to the outer ear or is at the opening of the ear canal, parents can gently clean it with a damp cotton swab.

When parents clean the earwax in their children’s ear canals, even if they use a cotton swab gently, there is a chance of injuring the mucous membrane of the ear canal, leading to inflammation or even damaging or puncturing the eardrum. If parents accidentally push the earwax further in or if the child feels uncomfortable during the cleaning process, it is best to take the child to see a doctor to determine whether it is necessary to remove the earwax. In general, there are only two situations where a doctor may recommend removing earwax for children.

First, if earwax completely blocks the ear canal, it can affect a child’s hearing. Second, doctors need to carefully examine the child’s eardrum. If parents detect an unusual odor from their child’s ear, they should promptly take them to see a doctor to determine if there is a possibility of inflammation in the ear canal causing the odor.

If a child feels discomfort in their ears after taking a bath or swimming, parents can gently tilt their child’s head and use a towel to gently dab away the water that has already flowed out. It is important not to use items like cotton swabs to clean the inside of the ears. Getting water in the ears does not cause Otitis media as the ear canal and middle ear are separated by the eardrum. Even if water enters the ears, it will not pass through the eardrum into the middle ear, so getting water in the ears while swimming does not cause Otitis media.

What conditions can lead to Otitis media? Otitis media are generally caused by upper respiratory tract infections, where bacteria travel from the throat through the Eustachian tube and reach the middle ear, resulting in inflammation. Therefore, it is not related to getting water in the ears.

How to enhance the confidence of shy children?

How to enhance the confidence of shy children?

Source: Family Marriage Therapist/Art Therapist, Ko Wing Oi

In reality, many parents feel that their children are shy and want to enhance their self-confidence so that they can have more confidence in talking to others. This actually depends on the child’s personality because sometimes children may be slower to warm up or feel more fearful about speaking to strangers. A child’s shyness may be related to their upbringing and experiences during their growth process.

In today’s busy world, many parents have limited opportunities to take their children out to play and interact with other children due to work commitments. This can gradually result in children only feeling comfortable communicating with older family members or siblings. When they encounter peers of the same age, they may not know how to play together. Additionally, many parents tend to speak on behalf of their children, especially when they are unable to express themselves. Sometimes parents may feel impatient and quickly guess what the child wants, saying things like, “Do you want this? Do you want that?” This often makes the child hesitant to express their true thoughts and feelings.

Parents unintentionally prevent their children from learning how to express themselves or become dependent on their parents to speak for them. However, there are various ways to help children communicate with other children or adults in different environments. For example, through interactive activities or games at home, parents can ask the child questions like, “If we meet other children to play at the playground, what can you do to join them?” Role-playing with family members can also be beneficial in helping children gain confidence in social interactions.

Children primarily learn from their environment, including their parents, siblings, school, friends, and even through sources like online news, television, or cartoons, where they learn behaviors and speech patterns. Therefore, when playing games at home, it’s important to set a good example and show them how to communicate, speak, and express themselves effectively.

Sometimes, it’s necessary to give children time to think about how to express themselves instead of rushing to speak for them or completing their sentences. Even if they make a mistake, it’s important not to say, “That’s not how you do it!” as it can scare the child. It’s better to analyze the situation together and discuss how it could have been done correctly. Parents should try to engage in more analysis with the child, asking questions like, “Why is it not okay to say it that way? Because speaking like that might hurt other children. How would you feel if someone spoke to you in that manner?” Teaching them different communication methods can help them interact with strangers and communicate effectively in different environments.

How do you resolve sibling conflicts peacefully?

How do you resolve sibling conflicts peacefully?

Source: Family Dynamics, Individual, Marriage, and Family Therapist Kwong Wing Han

When there are two or more children in a household, conflicts and disagreements are normal. Parents may feel troubled, wondering how to make their children get along peacefully. Here are some tips.

Firstly, parents should try their best to create a warm and happy family atmosphere, emphasizing the concept of sharing. Secondly, we should regulate the behavior of children according to their age. Children under the age of 2 do not understand what they can and cannot do. Many times, they may behave in a way that upsets their older siblings. At this time, we need to comfort the older child and make him understand that his younger sibling cannot do it because of their limited abilities and lack of understanding. When they reach the age of understanding and obeying rules, parents will ask them to follow the rules just like their older siblings, so that the older child understands that the parents are not favoring their younger siblings.

In traditional thinking, older children should show consideration and make concessions to younger children. However, in fact, we should decide based on the child’s age and their ability to receive and understand things, not necessarily based on age. The so-called consideration and concession should be understood as empathy and understanding their needs.

 

If the younger sister wants to play with the older sister’s toy, mom can say to the older sister, “I know this toy is yours, and you treasure and love it, so you don’t want to let your sister play with it. But your sister doesn’t have this toy; she is younger than you, and she is happy to see you play with it and wants to try it too.” If the older sister agrees to let her sister play with it, it means she understands and empathizes with her sister’s needs. We can also say to the younger sister, “Because your sister loves you very much, she is willing to let you play with the toy,” and let her express gratitude to her sister.

However, children may not always be willing to share their toys. When they refuse to share, we should teach them to respect each other. On the basis of mutual respect, everyone can discuss and communicate together, and the child can decide who to share with. In addition, we should establish the principle of sharing. The older sister can share toys with the younger sister, and the younger sister also has the ability to share toys with the older sister. By sharing with each other according to a fair principle, the relationship between them will be more harmonious.

When sisters have conflicts, parents should remain neutral and not intervene. However, we often feel anxious and want to solve the problem for them. But the focus should be on accompanying them to solve their conflicts. We should give them the opportunity to express themselves, let them know that we understand their feelings, and allow them to handle the situation on their own.

Also, don’t overly emphasize on fairness because there is often no absolute fairness. If they both want to be hugged by mom, mom can say, “Mommy knows you both want to be hugged by mommy and feel comfortable this way. But mommy only has one pair of arms and can’t hold you both at the same time. Let’s think of ways to let both of you be hugged by mommy.”

 

We should let children know that having conflicts is not a problem, and having conflicts does not mean they don’t love each other. The most important thing is to learn how to solve problems. Their problem-solving experiences will be unforgettable lessons for them as they grow up, and will not damage their relationship.

How do you teach children correct pronunciation?

How do you teach children correct pronunciation?

Source: Speech therapist, Miss Carley

 

When children learn a language, pronunciation is also an important aspect. There are many pronunciations in English that are not found in Cantonese and are difficult for both children and adults to master. How can parents teach children to pronounce English correctly? What are some tips to use?

 

The English tongue’s sounds can be difficult for children and even adults to master. We can try to use different cueing techniques to teach children to pronounce the sounds correctly. For example, parents can use visual cues, such as looking in the mirror with the child and showing him the tip of his tongue, placed between the two rows of teeth.

In addition, parents can also use verbal cues to clearly tell the child, “Put your tongue in the middle of your two rows of teeth,” so that they know what to do. When necessary, parents can also provide tactile cues, such as using a popsicle stick or spoon to touch the tongue and showing them where to place it for different sounds.

Parents can also try playing simple games with their children to train their listening skills, such as whether they can distinguish between right and wrong in terms of hearing. For example, intentionally mispronouncing a word: “Is ‘fank you’ correct? No, it’s not.” “Is ‘thank you’ correct? Yes, it is.”

This time we have to bite our teeth on the tongue or write the words “free” and “three” on a piece of paper, and then the parent reads out one of the words “three” “You show me which one” and reads “free”, “You show me which one”. If he knows how to distinguish, it will be clearer and easier for him to express himself.

How to effectively calm children when dealing with parent-child conflicts?

How to effectively calm children when dealing with parent-child conflicts?

Source: Parenting Education Specialist, Ken Sir

From time to time, conflicts may arise between children and adults. In handling these conflicts, communication skills with children are very important, and there is a big difference between starting with “you” and starting with “I.”

Once, I was at the elevator entrance and saw a child trying to press the elevator button, but another child pressed it first. The child’s emotions immediately became volatile, and although the mother tried to bend down and deal with the situation, she found it difficult to calm the child’s emotions. What was involved in the situation?

This involves the mother using a few phrases, including “don’t cry”, “what do you want?” or “do you want me to go down to the next floor and let you press the button?” I want to remind parents that if they want to calm a child’s emotions, they should avoid using these types of phrases.

If we want to calm a child’s emotions, we can try using “I” at the beginning of the sentence, such as “I see you…”, “I know that you really want…”, and “Mom and Dad understand you”. When a child hears these words from their perspective, they will feel that you are on their side rather than opposing them.

In this way, through your body language—calming and hugging—it helps the child gradually learn to be calm and then slowly instill what you want to teach them. This would be very good.

How can eating habits make your child’s skin healthier?

How can eating habits make your child's skin healthier?

Source: Registered Dietitian (Public Health) (UK), Ng Pui-Yu

Many kids have dry skin or even eczema, and their parents work hard to find the right moisturizers and other skin care products for them. In fact, in addition to topical skincare products, we should also pay attention to children’s diets. The most direct way, of course, is to drink more water. How much water should be drunk?

 

In fact, our body’s need for water is deeply influenced by the weather. For example, in dry weather, we need more water, as well as to account for children’s activity levels and how much they sweat. The water content in food also affects their need for water. If a child urinates every 3 to 4 hours and the urine is light yellow with no strong odor and the stool is not very hard and does not cause difficulty during bowel movements, it usually means that their water intake is sufficient.

For children aged 2 to 5, they need about 4 to 5 cups of fluid a day, and water should be the main source. Unsaturated fatty acids, like omega-3, are also important for maintaining the integrity of cell membranes, which keep harmful substances out and keep the skin moist and flexible. Omega-3 fatty acids can also help calm immune responses that are too strong in people with skin allergies or eczema.

We should also avoid certain foods, such as candies, cookies, and white bread, which are refined foods. Instead, we should choose low-glycemic index foods, such as brown rice and whole wheat bread, which are important for controlling sensitive conditions. Antioxidants, including common vitamins A, C, and E, are also important and can be found in fruits, vegetables, and nuts of different colors, making them great sources of antioxidants.

In summary, to have healthy skin, in addition to having enough water, you should eat high-fat fish such as salmon or yellow croaker twice a week. You can also replace some cookies and candy with plain nuts, fruits, and so on, and it is ideal to eat a variety of vegetables and fruits.

By the way, if a child’s chewing ability is not well developed, there is a chance of choking when eating nuts. Therefore, we should choose some smaller nuts, such as pine nuts, which are also a good option.

Does scare-based education work?

Does scare-based education work?

“If you don’t eat well, I won’t let you watch TV tonight.” In daily parenting, we often teach children in the form of threats, hoping that they will be obedient. But is this method effective? Will it backfire?

One time when I was taking a minibus, I saw a grandmother with two grandchildren getting on the minibus. As soon as they got on the bus, the two grandchildren immediately sat in the back seat, while the grandmother chose to sit in a single seat near the door. As soon as she sat down, she turned around and said to the two grandchildren, “I’m telling you to sit back next to me right now, or else I’ll leave you two here when we get off the bus.” As a result, one of the grandchildren shouted loudly from the back. What was he shouting? “You always say that; I don’t believe you.” This incident demonstrates that many parents are used to threatening their children during their childhood.

Source: Parenting Education Specialist, Ken Sir
https://www.shutterstock.com/zh/image-photo/angry-mother-shouting-her-son-playing-2137506745

What are some examples of this? “If you don’t eat, I’ll turn off the TV,” or “If you don’t finish your homework quickly, there won’t be any ice cream for you tonight,” etc. In fact, these methods of parenting often make children treat things as unimportant. If parents frequently use these types of threats, their children will grow up and no longer take them seriously. Therefore, parents must remember that when we ask children to do something, it is best to directly tell them what we want them to do without adding too many elements of threats or coercion.

Source:
https://www.shutterstock.com/zh/image-photo/family-concept-mother-rebuke-her-daughter-1346755169

Does the child cry non-stop when they are a little dissatisfied?

Does the child cry non-stop when they are a little dissatisfied?

Sometimes, children may cry when they are slightly dissatisfied, and parents may have tried different methods to comfort their children, but the children still cry from time to time. This may make parents feel tired, helpless, and even annoyed. In fact, children’s crying is usually a way of expressing their emotions. Because their language is not yet developed enough to convey a complete story, their own feelings, and some thoughts, they will use the most direct or fastest way to seek help when they are unhappy, which is to cry, just like when they were infants.

Let’s not assume that just because children can walk, talk, and go to school, we need to talk to them more about reasoning. In fact, in the preschool years, parents should provide more emotional support to their children. Maslow, a well-known psychologist, came up with the five-level theory of human needs. The levels are physiological, safety, social, esteem, and self-actualization. As children’s cognitive development matures, they have already reached the third level of social needs, which is love and a sense of belonging.

At this time, they need to feel the care and love from people around them, and they begin to recognize their own emotions. Therefore, if parents can help them express their emotions and thoughts, not only will their language skills improve, but their social needs will also be met.

 Source：Family Dynamic, Psychotherapist, Lai Shun Mei

When we see a child crying, we as parents can say something like this to them: “You seem very unhappy; maybe you don’t like it when mommy talks to you in a harsh tone.” “Your little brother took your toy without asking, which made you angry.” If you can speak accurately to the child’s feelings, they will quickly nod and stop crying. Over time, they will learn to use other means to express themselves instead of crying.

Some parents may wonder why their usually talkative kids can’t say what they’re feeling when they’re sad. This is because emotions can affect rational thinking. If I asked you to give a speech on stage right now, how would you feel? You may feel nervous or even a little scared, and if I don’t give you time to prepare, you may not be able to say a word. You can see that emotions can affect adults, let alone children.

So, as parents, we should first calm down and then carefully watch and try to figure out why our kids are crying. Then, put yourself in their shoes and express your thoughts and emotions. This way, the child will not cry anymore.

 Source：
https://www.shutterstock.com/zh/image-photo/portrait-asian-mother-comforting-her-crying-611298578